How I Found My Self Worth On My Bathroom Floor

2 years ago I laid on my bathroom floor covered in tears, sweat, and shame. I felt alone and lost. How did I get here? I learned a spectrum of wealth (and lack thereof) before the age of 18. I had spent my privileged years traveling to places that my peers lived vicariously through. I spent my poor years learning the value of a dollar and getting to know people of poverty.

The spectrum of my experience felt like it should have prepared me for this moment. Yet here I am, 20 years old, laying on my bathroom floor. I wanted to blame my significant other for me being here. I wanted to blame my parents. I wanted to blame the bank and the rich people for taking the money away from me. I wanted to blame everyone but myself. 

It seemed silly that what brought me here was a simple trip to the grocery store. Yet, it didn’t seem silly at all. I was 2 months behind on my rent, my checking account was in the negative well over a thousand dollars, I had no physical cash to my name, and after trying 4 different credit cards with no success, I left the grocery store empty handed.

Having to leave my grocery bags behind felt like the biggest shame of all. I had no food to go home to. I sat in my car in the parking lot of my local grocery store and bawled my eyes out. I didn’t even have money to buy toilet paper. Not being able to provide myself with basic necessities felt like the most embarrassing thing my 20 year old self had ever endured. 

The bathroom floor that day felt like rock bottom. I vividly remember laying my face on the cool linoleum and thinking, “why am I here? I don’t deserve this.”  Yet, I was exactly where I thought I deserved. I let my financial mistakes establish my self worth and in that moment, I decided I was worthless. I let my body become overwhelmed with panic, angst, and anger. My body shook as I inflicted pain that I thought I should endure. I am not proud to say, but that day it crossed my mind, “what if I just ended my life? This pain would be gone. My money worries would be gone. I would free.” It saddens me to admit those thoughts crossed my mind because of money at the age of 20.

I was jealous of my peers living their lives to the fullest in college. Drinking and partying. Having fun and making memories. That’s what I thought life was supposed to be at 20. Not laying on your bathroom floor contemplating suicide and self harm. Yet, here I was. 

In high school, I was known as the girl who came from money. My father had a lot money and therefore, those around me thought I had it too. I had a reputation to uphold. My 20 year old self equated money to self worth because that’s what I was taught as a child. I was taught that happiness and success was measured by vehicles, dollar amounts, trips, and stuff. So naturally, the fact that I had none of that while laying on my bathroom floor meant that I was not worthy of happiness or success. 

I will remember this day for the rest of my life. This was a lesson, a pivotal moment in my life. I share this with you today because there are so many people on their bathroom floor feeling worthless. It’s time that we take a stand and believe once and for all that we are not defined by our financial mistakes. Our self worth is not defined by our negative bank accounts or by how many material possessions we have. Our self worth is defined by the intentions of our hearts. Those intentions are pure and honest and divine. 

What got me off my bathroom floor was hope. I was already at the bottom, so I had no other choice but to stand back up. I continued to struggle financially, but I vowed to myself to never end back up on that bathroom floor again. Since that day 2 years ago, I have tried various budgets, plans, and financial concepts. I obsessed over every dollar that came and went, throwing myself into a stress induced frenzy. I tried working 2 jobs next to a side hustle, yet still walking away broke and frustrated. I tried a lot of things these 2 years, but it took until now to get something to really click. 

Your personal finances should come from love. That’s the answer.

I know it sounds a little ‘woo,’ but stay with me. How you decide to handle your money has to come from a place that feels good to you. What your parents, teachers, and society has told you about how to handle your finances is great, but only take what serves you. 2 years ago, I was trying to operate from what I thought my money situation should look like based on other people’s standards. My need to please and impress others is what ultimately brought me to that bathroom floor. Instead, if I had focused on doing things from a place of love and gratitude, my situation might have played out differently. 

Regardless, I choose to love and accept myself anyway. I choose to forgive the Samantha that was on that bathroom floor. She was only doing what she thought she could. 

We are all just doing our best, trying to survive.

It’s time we bring awareness to this money struggle. It’s time we get the word out that it does not have to be this way. You are not alone in this. You don’t have to end up on your bathroom floor. You don’t need to be ashamed if your situation feels less than ideal. What you do need to do though, is stop operating from what you think money needs to mean to you and start exploring what you want money to mean to you.

You are powerful and it’s time to step into your power. It’s time to realize that you have control over how your money makes you feel. You are worthy of finances that make you feel supported. You are worthy of the desires of your heart. You are not defined by how you grew up, where you were 2 years ago, or even where you are right now. 

You are defined by where you decide to go from here. Where you choose to go from here is what is shaping your future. Do you want the stress and angst or the love and gratitude? You will always have a choice. 

And if you make the wrong choice today, choose again tomorrow. 

 

 

I am holding space for you if you are ready to choose love 

Step into your power and decide that you can change your mind about how you feel with and without money. It’s time that money makes you feel strong, safe, and supported. I believe in the power of this work because I am living the power of this work. 

Here I stand sharing this story with ease because I decided it was time to choose love for myself. I decided I was done letting money stress me out. If you are ready to decide, my 3 month 1:1 mentorship is now open. 

I created this with your soul in mind. I see you. I am ready for you.  

Early bird pricing ends May 4 at 11:59pm EST

Applications open until May 7 at 11:59pm EST

 

 

Samantha Durkee

P.O. Box 48, Boyne Falls, MI 49713